…is to feel loved. Is to feel appreciated. Is to feel understood. It to feel smart and beautiful and funny and sexy and desired.

So when she says she wants lingerie for Christmas, she doesn’t just want lingerie, she wants to feel sexy. She wants you to desire her. She wants to turn you on.

When she says she wants a funny tee-shirt, she doesn’t just want a tee-shirt. She wants you to think she’s funny. She wants you to laugh with her. She wants you to enjoy her company.

When she says she wants dinner out, she doesn’t just want food. She wants you to take her out and treat her special.

When she says “surprise me,” she doesn’t really want to be surprised. She wants you to prove to her that you’ve been paying attention, that you know what she likes.

When she says she wants to be pampered, she doesn’t want something to pamper herself with. She wants something that you can pamper her with.

When she says she wants the new X-Box, she doesn’t want the new X-Box. She wants things that she can do with you, and she’s coming 90 percent of the way there to find something.

You know what she really wants? She wants to go dancing with you. She wants a couple’s day at the spa. She wants to go to the movies and canoodle in the back row. She wants to be with you. She wants to feel special with you. She wants to be loved and desired by you. She wants you to be happy, yes, but she also wants you to want for the same thing for her.

So yes, you can get her stuff.

But…

But you could also get her something that resonates with her deeper longings, but isn’t necessarily (just) these things. So instead of buying her (just) bath bombs so she can have some relaxing her time, you could also pick up some massage oil for those we times. Or, you could take her on a helicopter tour of the mountains. Find the reason for the desire and meet that. Connect with her on a deeper level this holiday season.

Because sometimes she just wants a box of chocolates. But sometimes, that box of chocolates represents something…deeper. More meaningful that she longs for.

I know, I know. Women are hard to understand. They speak, it is said, on five levels when they talk. Us guys? We’re lucky if we can pull off two. But it really isn’t that hard. They want you to want them. They want you to think they’re special and wonderful and lovely. They want to be admired. Appreciated. I mean, when was the last time you said thanks when she made supper? When she cleaned up the house?

And she wants you to long for her. To miss her when she’s not there. One of the ways you can do that is buy her a boudoir shoot for Christmas, because she wants to feel affirmed and desired. She wants to know that she’s still sexy, even though she’s no longer 18 years old. Give her the gift of seeing her through someone else’s eyes. Sometimes, when she looks in the mirror, all she sees the stretch marks and the extra pounds and the laugh lines; she doesn’t see her own beauty, her uniqueness.

Or, kill two metaphorical birds with one proverbial stone and do a steamy couple’s shoot with her. Give her a gift that she’ll always remember and an experience she’ll never forget.

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You might also like reading: The Gift of You, Stuff, The experience of giving the experience, The Gift of You, or Perspective, Part I